Hello all. And welcome back to Molly's blog. Molly is currently resting after a hard week of packing on pounds, in utero acrobatics, and the aforementioned "step-on-the-bladder" game - still surprisingly hilarious. As such, I will be in charge of the blog this week and trying to squeeze in a little Daddy content. Moms and Moms-to-be beware! You may not agree with all the following assessments of pregnancy related activities. If this happens, just picture yourself in your "special place" and breathe backwards from ten. Don't you fell better already? See Melissa, I did learn something in the birth class :).

Speaking of birth classes, that is where Melissa and I spent last weekend - ALL weekend. I'll be honest, there were more than a few times I thought about grabbing our pillows and making a break for it. But to be fair, I did learn a lot about the birth process and felt like it helped refocus our energy towards the baby. In general, we watched a lot of videos about people giving birth which probably would have earned an X rating in the theaters. Afterwards, I recommended to the facilitator that said videos might be more effective as birth control for sexually active teens (I'm kidding of course, any husband that has been to one of these classes knows this kind of comment would have drawn chuckles from the husbands, cold stares from the other wives, a jab in the ribs from your wife, and a cool, tight-lipped smile from the facilitator who now wholeheartedly believes you are an ignorant and insensitive cave man).

We also learned a lot about breathing and practiced ways to relax your wife during labor. For example, if your wife is in pain, make a fist and drive it unmercifully into the small of her back until she feels better. Simple right? I think the effectiveness of breathing exercises were best summed up in a book a friend gave me to read - a book about pregnancy written by a husband. He said to imagine yourself being kicked in the balls every three minutes for hours on end. This is probably what is feels like to be in labor. Now imagine that every time you were kicked in the jewels your wife told your to find your "special place" and breathe backwards from ten... All I know is that I'm going to owe Melissa big time after she gives birth to Molly. Let's face it boys, we are getting off easy.

I'd also like to share this cartoon with you - from the same book I mentioned earlier. It's pretty self explanatory. The only truth the image doesn't convey is that the power of the vacuum is inversely proportional to the length of time until your baby's is due. In other words, the closer you get to baby's birthday, the more it sucks... (monetarily, of course).

And now for an exciting round of...

Are You Smarter Than Someone Who Just
Spent Their Weekend at a Birthing Class?

Try to guess the meaning of the following pregnancy and birthing terms. If you can answer them all correctly then let me be the first to say that I am truly, deeply sorry.

1. Breech

A. The hole in your wallet through which cash is sucked out to buy ridiculous amounts of baby stuff (see aforementioned cartoon).

B. The nerdy character on television's "Saved By the Bell" who went on to write the quintessential guide to natural labor and delivery If It Ain't Breech, Don't Try to Section It.

C. A type of unpasteurized, French cheese that all pregnant women crave but which is strictly forbidden to them.

D. Instead of its head, your baby's feet are positioned to come down the birth canal first. Time for birth plan B!

2. Birth Ball

A. The position a baby takes just before rolling down the birth canal and into your life.

B. An elaborate party thrown for your baby just after conception.

C. A large, inflatable rubber ball used to strengthen muscles for labor.

D. A dangerous, full contact sport akin to rugby played by expectant Australian women.

3. Kegel

A. A contemporary of the German philosopher Hegel who concerned himself primarily with the neonatal dialectic.

B. An exercise designed to strengthen the muscles involved in birthing.

C. The hippest baby toy since Tickle-Me-Elmo.

D. From the same marketing geniuses who brought you the candy cigarette, a tiny keg filled with liquid sugar that prepares toddlers for their college years.

4. Primigravida

A. The less successful follow up album to Iron Butterfly's classic In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida whose towering guitar rifts mimic the sounds babies hear in utero.

B. The pasta dish overwhelmingly preferred by most post partum mothers.

C. Latin for: "Your husband is an ignorant and insensitive caveman".

D. A mother pregnant with her first child.

5. Doula

A. A woman that can be hired to help a woman through labor in case her husband is a total wimp who can't hack it.

B. Tony Soprano's new hired gun whose wife happens to be primigravida.

C. The spiced sausage overwhelmingly preferred by most post partum mothers.

D. Something you find in your baby's diaper.

6. Fundus

A. A bay in northeastern Canada known for its extreme high and low tides.

B. Basically what you are asking people to do by having a baby shower.

C. A type of Fromunda cheese found between a newborn's buttocks.

D. The top of the uterus (who knew?).

7. Bag of Waters

A. A new novel by Frank McCourt about a young Irish lad named Bag and his incredible journey from the village of Waters to a better life in New York City.

B. What you should bring to your child's first soccer game.

C. A less technical name for amniotic fluid - the liquid the baby spends most of its time in until he or she is born.

D. The electrolyte replacement drink overwhelmingly preferred by most post partum mothers.

8. Nesting

A. A chilling instinct that turns otherwise normal expectant mothers into single minded purchasing zombies bent on redecorating your entire home to accommodate a baby who would be happy in an old sock drawer.

B. A dark period in your life when you spent a lot of time at Macy's Home Store, Linen's and Things, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

C. See aforementioned cartoon.

D. All of the Above.

Good morning everyone! This is Molly Lash MacDonald reporting for the Daily Uterus. Among other important world news stories such as political riots in Pakistan and President Bush's relentless pursuit of known communist sympathizer Michael Moore, is the fact that my mother Melissa is pregnant (with me of course). Recently, I was able to catch up with her for this candid and revealing interview of a determined young woman in the throes of nascent motherhood.

Molly: Good morning Mom and happy Mother's Day!

Melissa: Good morning Molly and thanks for having me.

Molly: Well Mom, it's really YOU whose having ME.

(cautious controlled laughter on both sides)

Molly: Let's get down to it. Have you enjoyed being pregnant with me or not?

Melissa: Yes, of course! I've loved watching my belly grow and feeling you move around inside of me. Any discomfort I had at the beginning was well worth having you here and healthy. I already feel very connected to you!

Molly: But isn't it strange to have something growing inside you? Even if it is me...

Melissa: It's not strange. It's a miracle and a blessing! It's amazing to feel life growing inside you. My favorite part of the day is when you move! I feel complete because my body is doing what it was meant to do.

Molly: You make it sound as if pregnancy is all roses. Tell me honestly, what is the most difficult thing about being pregnant?

Melissa: Probably not being able to sleep well. Every night I have to try to arrange pillows in just the right way so that you and I can both sleep comfortably. It's like some ridiculous jigsaw puzzle where the pieces are constantly changing! Morning sickness and back pain are not that great either.

Molly: Sometimes in the middle of the night I awake to a terrible screeching and yowling noise. Is there some terrible monster in the house you're not telling me about?

Melissa: Don't worry. That's just your feline brother Maxie trying to get our attention. He likes to walk around the house in the early morning hours yowling and whining. It's annoying but harmless.

Molly: I read that pregnant women crave certain foods. Are there any foods that you can't live without?

Melissa: Tillamook sharp cheddar - the kind that comes in the black loaf. It's incredible! I have your Dad make me macaroni and cheese with it. I also love strawberry yogurt with almonds and whole wheat toast with strawberry jelly.

Molly: So why Molly Lash MacDonald?

Melissa: I have always loved the name Molly. And it starts with an M so you share my intials as well as a first intital with your uncle Matthew and your grandfather Michael. Lash is your great grandmother's name and I have always felt that she is my guardian angel. Maybe she will be yours too! MacDonald is our family name, but you already knew that.

Molly: O.K. seriously, what is going on with my bedroom? Are you and Dad planning on just plopping me down on the floor amongst all those boxes?

Melissa: Well, we were sort of hoping you wouldn't notice... The truth is that your new furniture should be arriving this week. Once it is here, your Dad and I will begin to fix up your room and organize your new belongings. We have already started to get you the clothes and supplies needed to keep you warm, clean, safe, and entertained.

Molly: Amen sister! I mean Mom... Since my coordination won't be so hot for the first few years I'm counting on you to dress me. Please be kind... no bonnets or sailor outfits please.

Melissa: Don't worry. When you look good, I look good.

Molly: Speaking of which, you DO look good. What are you doing to stay in shape?

Melissa: I walk and do prenatal yoga once a week. It helps me learn how to breathe and stretch my body to make room for you.

Molly: Last question. If you were Angelina Jolie, what country would you choose to birth me in and why?

Melissa: Hmm...definitely a Spanish speaking country - most likely in South America. I speak Spanish and want you to be bilingual too.

Molly: Muchas Gracias! Is there anything else you would like to add?

Melissa: I love you very much and am doing everything I can so that you are happy, healthy, and strong. I want you to continue to enjoy a safe development until you are ready to join us on the outside!

Thanks for the interview Mom. You sure know how to put a partially developed brain at rest. This reminds me, I need to get some rest. Later, I have to do some back flips and then see if I can put my foot in just the right spot so that you think you have to pee (trust me - it's hilarious). This is Molly Lash MacDonald signing out until next week.

(The following was transcripted verbatim from Molly's tappings on the uterine wall...)

Hello everybody. It's good to finally have an outlet to share my thoughts. Isn't the internet amazing? In my small and humble opinion, this prevalent information age is truly revolutionary and will almost certainly recast our current methods of articulation.

All is well in utero. I'll have you all know that I do have all the parts I'm supposed to have, including ten fingers and toes, and that my skin is quite smooth albeit covered with vernix caseosa and lanugo (that's a fatty, white coating and fine, down-like hair to the lay person). I mention this because it has come to my attention that some of you (and I won't name names here) weren't able to discern my image from the 4D picture posted last week! Come on people! Where is your imagination? I'm right there crossing my arms across my face! And don't worry about those lumps and bumps, that's just distortion caused by the refraction of sound waves in an aqueous medium. I have asked my parents to post a clearer picture of me this week and although I think it is the profile shot (not my best angle), I hope you will find it more accessible.

All right, I've got to go cycle my legs a bit. Maybe even swallow some amniotic fluid if there's time. Thanks for tuning in.

Love,

Molly